Just for the record… in case anyone who does happen to read this is so foolish as to think it real, this is a bad joke. It’s just some thoughts about a potentially dystopian future when very cool, useful and valuable technology is abused in interesting ways. I’m usually not this dark or even all that creative in writing things. I’m actually a fan of Microsoft and both like and recommend the Kinect product. It’s awesome. Still, what started out as some bad jokes in chats with others turned into this little story…
Redmond, WA – April 1st, 2012 — Mr. Noah P. Bode, 39, is under arrest for murder tonight in the seaside island town of Nantucket, MA, while across the country, his accuser is questioned by police here in Seattle. Washington State Police say that a Microsoft Operations Administrator, Bobby Leet Gatson, 23, responsible for managing aspects of the Kinect videogame, claims he witnessed a murder in the partially finished basement of Mr. Bode.
Apparently, Mr. Bode attacked his wife of 12 years when he attacked her with a knife as she was in a compromising Yoga pose in front of the couple’s Xbox 360 Kinect game unit. Mr. Bode has claimed that he merely tackled her as part of the game play and she accidentally landed on an exposed piece of metal in their as yet unfinished basement. Police say this story is highly suspect as it was Mr. Gatson in Seattle who had called police to inform them of the seeming attempted murder. Mr. Gatson apparently took some time to call police as he felt he was in a compromising position himself as he shouldn’t have been observing the Bode’s via their Kinect’s sensor camera.
As most know, the Kinect has advanced sensor technology allowing for body kinematics to control game play with the Xbox. Part of this involves use of a camera. When questioned, Mr. Gatson explained that they don’t usually invade user privacy back in the shop, but the team has been bored lately. Mr. Gatson was quoted as saying, “Yeah, we used to just look at this one sensor that was installed at this strip club. The girls used “Pole Dancing 2010″ to learn to pole dance. But they stopped using it and then someone must have bumped the sensor so it pointed down at the street. We didn’t need to be looking at another traffic cam, you know?” Asked how they found the Bode’s particular Kinect, Mr. Gatson explained, “She had called for tech support a couple of weeks ago and we did a video chat. She was hot and we had her IP address, so… well… you know… besides we couldn’t wait for KamaSutraKinect.” (Apparently KamaSutraKinect was an adult ‘game’ planned for later in the year. It was scrapped when company documents leaked that the game publishers really weren’t planning to make money of the game. They were going to record the users and then make their real money selling access to the AmateursKinect Channel. Their CEO was heard to say, “Yeah, people actually pay for this. Me, I don’t get it myself. I’ve seen some of these people. Remember that Star Wars Kid being all spastic online? This is kind of like that only with two nekked adults. Disgusting. But people buy it.”)
Anyway, ACLU lawyers say this may be a complicated legal question. After all, Mr. Bode had an expectation of privacy in his living room, and certainly in his unfinished basement. Meanwhile, the people at Your Shapely Future have confirmed that none of their fitness games involve one user tackling another nor do any involve one player stabbing another. In fact, they too were familiar with the Bode’s. “Yeah, I was getting a little worried about Mr. Bode,” said YSF’s Fitness Coach. “Mr. Bode’s performance dance moves in some of our games had gotten really spastic over the past couple of weeks. They actually set off some alerts because it was such a slide backwards we thought he was going crazy or something. Most people don’t know this, but the insurance companies pay us a lot of money to monitor customers and send their fitness performance to them so they can adjust their health insurance rates. We’re actually thinking of developing a Heath Credit Score. Mr. Bode was on our radar. Sadly, we didn’t realize what was happening. We’re programming this behavior into our system as an alert and if we see it again, the system will call police BEFORE something like this happens again.”